A letter to my nanay

I have been planning to write this letter for so long.But once I am in front of the screen,I can only produce a blank stare.

Of course I know Tatay would understand that there is a different sense of bonding between a mother and a daughter.Far different from the ones that we have for a tatay.But,of course,I love my tatay...more than anything in this world.But let me just talk to you now...because I thought my longing for you has ended,but I miss you,still...

It started earlier,I had a different feeling of sadness.I saw a family,and while walking,I saw a daughter crying,and to my interpretation,it was her mom lying at that bed.Her mom was frail,old,and had an edematous face.There were two daughters walking after that bed.To my knowledge,this bed would be transferred to a different room.And I saw the daughters crying...And then that same memory came again...

I don't know,it was already 8 years.But it has became fresh the moment that I saw this family.What happened?Maybe because I saw that same edematous face that you had before,or that same scenario when you had to be transferred to ICU from a regular room.Or maybe because she was also accompanied by her daughters.I don't know...I really don't know...


Sometimes,I had to ask myself.How have you been doing there?Do you still know us?Or is it the same scene from the movie "The Lovely Bones" that when you die,you don't want to come to earth anymore.Things like that...Things of some sort...

Sometimes,I still feel you.All the more when I am sad...Yes,I still feel sad Nay,I am normal,.,I still cry,,,And I still cling to that one person that I want to see when I feel sad,your face...But no,I cannot have that one warm hug from a nanay anymore.

8 years,it was so fast...That time that I thought I was never that strong,but I had to be.

I am still thinking why you did not allow me to see you die,when a day before your passing,I was the one assigned to take care of you.I remember when I was about to go and I kissed you on your forehead,then I said "I love you" and you said "I loveyou too..."Then i saw tears at the corner of your eyes.Unlike tatay,who says "I love you" all the time...You never said " I love you" to us,but that time,you said it,..And I was so happy.That was a rare moment,and that I will never ever forget...

But I had to go that night,by rotation,I had to go home and fix my things for it would be ate Pinky who will take charge.I know I shouldn't be mentioning this anymore,but sometimes i feel that even if I did everything,I wish I could have done better,I wish I could have done the best...

I regret that I got tired during those times,juggling from watching over you and going to my duty.

I regret not staying everyday for the remaining days of your life.

Sometimes I think where will I ever meet you?Will it be in my dreams...Is there such a thing as a crossroad...

It puzzles me...

Still...

Xoxo

Baby Sarah's Donation Pouch

I had first my interest in blogging wayback friendster days,but to tell you honestly,I do this thing not to brag,to show off or even be a guru.Just that,this became my therapy,and I would always say that I am,"I think"is  more of a writer than a talker.

Such a "girl thing" to many,that we had our periods that we share our sentiments writing on our diaries

( I am guilty).Blogging now is a form of a release of tension,an outlet...a thing where you can be your own,no sugarcoats,or barricades.Just you and you alone, and you believe that you are very good at what you are writing.

For a while,I had blogs about superficial things.Shopping,food even nonsense things.But now I realized that as we grow older,you will have a sense of purpose on what you have to write about,even if people read it or not.In the end,you have to keep up with a good purpose and be a responsible blogger.

That is when I decided to blog about other people.

Baby Sarah,Felle's baby,My inaanak

Baby Sarah's mom is a long time friend.She used to be my intern from the hospital that I was previously employed.We had our duties together,and we initially clicked.We talked about life,and because we had a little age difference,we would also talk about guys,interns whom she told me has a crush on me and her co-interns whom I knew also has a crush on her.

Their batch was one of my favorites,they are happy,funny and sweet.Their internship went so fast that eventually,we had to part ways.She graduated,was employed,had to enter Med School.And the rest is history.

Communication was constant,the heartaches,the heartbreaks that we both shared from the past were mutually updated.And we both believed that these heartaches molded us into strong individuals.

Then during the time that she had opened her clinic in Fairview,QC,that was the time that I decided to go to Dubai.Which,by coincidence,she told me also that she has a sister working there as a nurse .We both hugged tight during our last day of being together,and promised that we will still communicate.

My friendship with Felle was deep,she was one of the few persons whom I can talk about the ins and outs of me without thinking of being judged.She is a very inspiring person.She loves God.She inspires me even until now.

When I knew that she's getting married,I felt like a big sister who wants to come home and witness her special day.I knew from her stories,that she would be marrying a good and kindhearted man.And as an older sister,was so proud that she will be tying the knot,having the man that she prayed for.

Everything went so fast that I was doubly happy when she told me that she is pregnant and I will be one of her baby's ninangs.

Life is not only about chocolates,life gives you lemonades

I found out that Felle's baby was sick,Baby Sarah has a heart ailment that has to be fixed,and she has to undergo an operation.I cried when I knew that,I just can't imagine a baby,just a month old,being in 

an open heart surgery.But I know that all of what I felt that time was way too little compared to what Felle was feeling.I can feel that her heart was being crushed.

I never saw Baby Sarah.I can only see her in pictures.But I was really struck by her,I don't know why...When I look in her eyes from the picture,I can see that she is still holding on and fighting.She has expressive eyes,very innocent,very child-like.

An answered prayer

When i found out about Baby Sarah's condition,I sent messages to my closest friends right away to include her on their prayers because as Christians and as a believer,we have to be prayer warriors.We have to pray for each other,and pray for one another.They have started it,and then one night I received a message from Ate Lai saying "Juds,I am praying for baby Sarah,and in case they also need money,hintay ko lang yung pera from my previous work,then give ako."

Redirected "me"

I was honestly moved by ate's message,because it was not really my intention to ask for money,because I think,as for me,prayer is better than anything that we could offer to baby Sarah.But then something inside me was bothered."Bakit nga ba hindi?"?If we wanted to help,then at least maximize the means of helping.

Doubtful "me"

I had doubts,I admit,that what if people will misunderstood and what if they will not believe."Who is baby Sarah?".They might ask,and then I will explain,and still they will not believe.It was a very sinful thinking.But God gave me an answer.

Another angel from Canada

Little did I know that another friend Sam was starting a fundraising project for Baby Sarah which answered my longing on how can I extremely help.

The project was being ignored at first,and Sam and I were talking about it,how come nobody was replying to our message.But then we made up to one decision to still hold on to our belief,they may or may not help.They may have doubts on how our intentions may be,but as long as our intentions are pure,there is nothing wrong about it.

A Message From Heaven---devil's advocate,you can never win

I want to confess and I can honestly say,I was wrong that I also doubted if people would respond.I knew that it was the devil's advocate working for us to denounce our faith,and decline the purpose in helping baby Sarah.But the enemies did not succeed.That same night,I received 2 important messages from a friend here in UAE and also from the US.They both immediately pledged a specific amount,which was overwhelming and asked me on how can they send the money.

Here are the first two people who have responded.

The list went on,some have sent their donations directly to the gofund account.Some even were problematic on how they can help.People I believe are good natured.We just have to have faith... and good people will go out of their way to help.

Donations are still on-going.

http://www.gofundme.com/6r9oss

Angels in the outfield

I believe that our earth is surrounded by good and bad spirits.And I also believe that majority of it is occupied by angels.I will tell you soon about my story on angels,angels on earth and angels in disguise.

Update

Just earlier.I have met up with Felle's sister because they have made a cute pouch with baby Sarah's face on it to be considered as a donation envelope,a donor can put any amount as long as it is from the heart.

Cry baby

Boodz and I had a talk and asked her how Felle is dealing about it.She told me that Felle always cry.Lacks sleep,and she lives and is allowed to live in the hospital to be with baby Sarah,and as she was telling it,I can't help but cry.How on earth can you imagine your child,living in the hospital.It is so heartbreaking,devastating.

She told me that Felle stopped running her clinic as she would want to concentrate in taking care of baby Sarah first.

A story of  HOPE(baby Sarah's smile)

In the middle of our conversation,one good thing made me smile.Boodz told me that when she took an emergency leave to the Philippines to be with her sister Felle,she saw how cute her niece is.That she saw what a fighter this little angel is,and the best thing about it...baby Sarah can still manage to smile even if she has a tube in her mouth.

It is God and only God

We ended our conversation in a very hopeful manner,we both believed that baby Sarah will get through this.That faith in God is incomparable.And that faith can create miracles.

Lesson learned?

I learned that everyday of our life is a miracle.So we must not waste the time that each of us have.In all aspects,everything can be taken away from us in a snap.

So to those who are still willing to help.A cafe latte,or a new bag,or lipstick is expensive,but a child's life is more worthy of your penny.

Til our next blog.

Xoxo

Stretching our facial muscles

Feb.26,2014

So all the duty was done,Hydz went on a morning shift while Faith attended the Quality Assurance meeting.Faith was there as early as 1:30PM.Then the meeting went too long,everyone went exhausted(including me finding out that we will be having 12 hour shifts this March).We decided to have tea,cake or coffee to a nearby coffee shop.

Hydz was the most"lugi"one because she has early duty,while me and Faith can sleep long still.Nevertheless,Hydz agreed and we went to Satarbucks Al Ghurair Mall.

We had cakes,they had cold drinks,i had water and chocolate muffin.:-)

We had too many topics to discuss,all went from our 2014 vacation plans,to the basketball game that Hydz played in her phone and so on.

The funny thing after was,Faith decided to have her takeaway,her croissant.And while we were halfway going to Hydz place,she forget,or actually "we" forgot the bag,so we had to come back and get the takeaway goodies.

The fruitful discussion that we had that night was all bout trust issue.How you trust people,how friends can envy you and betray you in the end.And while we think that we know everything,I am still learning,and yes,learned that not all people can be trusted(which is oftentimes) my problem.Sometimes I do not have limits,which I have to be very keen in practicing.

That was how the flow went,and i love engaging stories with these ladies because in the middle of everything,we still can manage to laugh and exercise our facial muscles.

:-)

Xoxo

Everyday,you can create a miracle

Just an encounter with a supermarket employee,did not even dare to ask about his nationality,but I can sense,he must be from Bangladesh.

While walking at the supermarket,I passed by the poultry section(the one which sells cut chicken parts and dairy)?Although at times,I have encountered him,whom I think is a middle aged man,he will just smile but never threw a discussion with me.

But this day,he approached me,with his difficulty in speaking in English,i tried to understand him.

Then,thankfully,I did,he was pointing at his feet,with wounds in between.Then I understood that probably he was thinking that I am a nurse because I am wearing a scrubsuit.

I pity the man.He is old,with grayish beard,but has a happy face.He tried to explain to me that he has no money to buy for his wounded foot.And I doubt if he has also any insurance.

Few days before that,hon was very sick that he needed to seek for a treatment at a nearby clinic from his house.During our exchange of text messages,he told me that the doctor asked him if he can allow this Pakistani patient of the doctor buy medicines on behalf of his insurance.

Well,that's another sad story.:-(

Sometimes you want to think on how exactly you can change the world.

And I think with this small things,there will be a huge impact on that person.

Since I don't have anything,I promised him that I will bring him medicines,alcohol ans swabs with betadinie for him to clean up his wound.

The next day,I brought him a pack of assorted things for his wound.I couldn't explain his smile.


And by the way,this guy said "thank you"to me countless times,which is more than enough.


Xoxo

We can always make a difference

When was the last time you checked your closet and discovered that you have massive things inside,and still you want to buy stuff?Shoes,bags,clothes just to name a few.

I had to ask because I am as guilty as you are...

We see life like that,based on material perspective.

This blog is dedicated to my inaanak,Baby Sarah.

Just a little sacrifice of not buying a new bag,a new dress...or shoes,can make a difference on her life.

Please try to read her page,and see from her innocent eyes,she needs help...and you can be part of it.

Follow an angel's journey.

http://sarahangeleeperez.wordpress.com/2014/01/14/please-help-baby-sarah-angelee/

AGE IS JUST A NUMBER

September 12,2011

I am writing this few minutes after the big bang.the tick tock,past midnight signalling my 33^rd birthday.Yes,to be exact,it’s past 18 minutes,and my cellphone kept on bombarding me with the text messages denoting that another year has been given to me.Thankful ,anticipating,words cannot express how am I feeling,but the writer in me kept on pushing me to write again,another blog that has long been pending since I last wrote it.Too many times that I have attempted doing it,failed,but something right here,right now,directed me that this is the best time write again.

Yesterday,past PM,my family and I had dinner at KFC Antipolo.Packed with my pamangkins,I didn’t imagine that I’d enjoy having my mini kiddie party at KFC,with a lot of mishaps(haha!),particularly Gab,who’s the most pasaway of all my pamangkins.One,he had a bad mood,from Teresa up to Antipolo,he insisted on being beside me,not anybody else,just me.Arriving at KFC,he said he didn’t want to eat chicken ,and he wanted hotdog(and where in the hell will I get hotdog,from the world full of chicken,that’s why it’s called Kentucky Fried Chicken,then,he tapped the tumbler of iced tea,flooding the floor and making it so messy.And lastly,being overfed,he puked,exactly at that place where we ate.

I’m sharing this to you,not saying that I am annoyed(though I once said,Gab,birthday ko to,don’t stress me J)…But then,I had fun,they are kids,and Gab is a sweet,rebellious kid whom I love.So we just enjoyed being there for almost like two hours.Life is so simple and happy,that how I wish I could be just a kid once again,that their only problem is when to make kulit again…

Why am I saying you this?Because everybody thought and maybe think of me as a brat girl,always getting what she wanted.But hadn’t they know,I’m the childish-still-child-like-33year-old-girl-that-i-am…

It has been my tradition to make my birthday special by spending this with the ones I love,nonetheless,my family,particularly my pamangkins.Every year I would always think of where will I take them,to treat them,and also to make it a part of my sharing-your-blessings-to-your-loved-ones-character.For the past 2 consecutive years,my birthdays were such blasts,these were my Bora days which I treasure most and I can tell that,it was 2 of my memorable birthdays at hand.But then this year,since I’m taking on the searching for what’s next path,I decided to make everything simple,just be with the important people in my life.The one’s who’ve made such a mark in my life and who have stuck with me until now.

So the path to having a simple birthday is a no-Bora-birthday for me…I love Bora and I love going back there even for the nth time,but life isn’t not always about luxury and travelling,and then realizing you have left something unfinished.I realized that life,at it’s simplicity,can make you happy.Let me tell you how,first,Bora travel cut my costs(it’s expensive).Two,I can only appreciate Bora when I’m there,but what happens next?And lastly,I wanna come back to Bora again,with the people that I love(wink),someday.If thoughts kept on boggling you,you’re mind cannot focus on enjoying your Bora days,what I am saying is,I want to make a simple detour.

So I’m taking a backseat,pulling the driver’s seat,and giving all of my thoughts to God.All my life,I was the planner,but now,I think as you grow older,you will realize that God is the controller of everything.With the past mistakes and grudges that I have encountered,I have been through a lot,but les they say…the more you scar,the more you become better,diamonds are not produced the easy way…I wanna focus more on what I have,not on the things that I don’t have.I have my plans,big plans,and I want to focus there.This blog will be the start of the adventure of a single woman,at it’s best…Never afraid,always fighting…

I am really very talkative,writing than speaking…I have so many things to say,but let me just say that this is just a prelude to my search for happiness,when they say that you can’t search for happiness,I wanna say,and so to speak I believe,that we always make our own happiness.We find our ways to what will make us happy…Though it is difficult,we must kept on finding.God gave us enough wisdom,He allows us to choose freely but wisely,and that will be the content of this issue.That life is all about happiness.

And going back to my birthday, this is the best time to thank God,for everything that was laid to me,even the crosses that I have shouldered,the tears that I have shed…Without all of these,I may not be the fighter that I am right now,though sad to say I am still the” iyakin” that everybody know,the tears may still be there,but the will to fight grew stronger.I have so many things to be thankful for,and I wanna share it to you right now.

1.healing

Healing is a deep word to hear,but when you scrutinize its meaning,everyone of us,one way or another has somewhat encountered healing.Healing of a wounded heart,healing of a pet,healing of your sick loved ones,too many.I in particular,can relate to this word wholeheartedly for this year,when my eldest sister suffered from stroke,I felt that my family got another cross to carry again.She’s our ate,the pillar of the family since we lost our nanay.That mere fact broke me to tears when I found out how she was,and how her body deteriorated.She had speech defect and had to succumb to too many medicines,some even I couldn’t read.I thank God that after several months,since May,she recovered easily and smoothly.She regained her speech(although still not that straight),and she can walk(with a liitle limp).God has his odd ways of showing you that He is there,He sees you,and He hears your prayers.

2.kids

How I love my pamangkins,that even if I have fights with my sisters,once in a while,or sometimes plenty(haha!).Just seeing the kids makes my heart melt,and them calling me tita can make forget that I am mad at their moms,really,no joke.And since I am living in Mandaluyong,weekends mark as my days with the kids.And my problem,always,as in always,would be my pasalubong for them.And everytime I arrive,they would shout for my name,and scout my bags for pasalubong.Their favorites especially Mav,are siopao asado,Jollibee,dunkin donuts,potchi,grapes,chocolates of any kind.I play with them,really,that’s the childish thing that I cannot give up,Iwe play football,basketball,wrestling,boxing,storytelling,tinda-tindahan,I even allow them to play my cellphone games,and plants vs zombies on my laptop,that how I am a certified spoiler to my pamangkins.

3.friends

When everybody else fails,relationships,heartaches,dealing with sadness,family matters,you can always count on friends.I have my bestfriend whom I love so much,she is Melody,we met when we were in college because we resided at the same dormitory along Hidalgo,Quaipo.Since then,we can talk endlessly.We may not be exactly the same,she is more of a chatter and I am the listener type.But so they say,we swak.She’s the instrument to my new path exploration right now,partnered with his hubby Kenneth and my another adorable friend-ate,ate Lai.They are all in Dubai.Mel and Ken got me as their sponsor when they got married at QC Hall early this year(am I right).Can’t wait to be the ninang of their kids(on board).Workmates are not only candidates for work-related concerns,they can be your best buds too.That I say will be branded to Joan,Izhay and Joan.We got along well,pretty much,that they are the ones that I’ve celebrated my birthday at Bora.We can talk for hours,minutes,or seconds(yeah,even at work),about life,loss,and yes,we cry together a lot of times…We don’t choose the place,we just cry,they are,I can say are my gala buddies,always thinking of the next destination,especially Joan C,(chi-chi),who is the most industrious when it comes to buying and booking our destinations(yeah,and she even makes abono sometimes).That how our friendship seems,fun and laughter,sharing and crying.They say that it’s very difficult to find true friend at work,I am thankful that I have my true friends at work,who are really nice to work with.Then there’s Aj,whom I just met recently,she’s my housemate for almost 2 years now,and my first encounter with her gave me this magaan feeling.The feeling of no shyness,that is why AJ is the one I text to when I feel sad,and I want to eat,we’re both food lovers,but were opposite because she loves pork meat while I don’t eat pork and beef.But it’s amazing how we get along soo well.

4.work

Just last February,I was given the 10th year loyalty award.It has been,it was so fast,and now,this coming September will be my 11^th year at work.Though it’s not perfect,I can never exchange the work that I have right now from every institution in this planet.Why?this has given me so much,never-perfect,but always just enough.I had my shortcomings,but there was always the chance,I mean chances.I can never forget that when my nanay died,the full support of the hospital was with me,the janitors,chambermaids,nurses,everybody.The serious talk with my boss during the time that I had to take a leave because of depression due the my mom’s lost was really a big impact to me.The people,my workmates whom have become my friends from in and out of my department.The small and big fights that I have witnessed and I was involved with.I even told my ate that when the time comes that I have to leave the facility,I will be very,very sad and emotional.

5.books

I love books.When I’m happy,or lonely,I read books.I have a collective sum of this material since I was in college.My personal favorites nowadays are my James Patterson books,Nicholas Sparks,I also have books about healthy living and lifestyle which I read and make it also as my research source when especially about good and bad foods.I’m recently reading so much of inspirational books right now,my favorites were from Bo Sanchez’ How to Find your One True Love ,and planning to have all his books because his becoming my personal favorite.I also want to have a copy of Joyce Meyer’s Eat the Cookie Buy the Shoe book and also aiming for this book entitled The Power of a Prayerful Woman.I also have a copy of this book called Passion and Purity and I Kissed Dating Goodbye which I think I read for just few hours.I want to have an ipad or a kindle someday,.but if not,having the book at hand,whether bought or borrowed,makes me happy,as long as it is a good kind of read.

6.my family

I cry all the time when it comes to family matters.And they are the ones who know me inside and out.Though at times we may have our misunderstandings,they are,and will always be my sisters,my one and only family.

7.my tatay

Oh, I love my tatay and how he pampers us with text messages eventhough he’s far away from us.What’s so sweet about him is that he texts us everyday and says I love you to us unendlessly(which I know is not that common to males).I remember the time that when I had this cough,he texted me this”yung pansapin mo sa likod,baka kasi natutuyuan ka ng pawis…”.That was the sweetest gesture a father could do.He makes effort to everything,for everybody even at this time that most of us are adults.And that’s the thing I’m most proud of my tatay,and I will always,in all ways be announcing to everybody that he is the sweetest best tatay on earth,and he knows that…

8.my manda family

2 years ago,I met my manda family.aj,len,adel and nanay.we became close because we were roommates except for nanay who manages the house.The sweet thing about us is we never make “pakialam” of each other,but whenever we need each other’s advice,we would always be there.Nanay cooks for us,gives me clothes(I share to her my clothes too),and she knows my favorite food.There are times when I would tell her how much I miss my nanay,and she would tell me,”ok na siya.,wag mo ng hanapin ang wala…”which made sense to me.:-)

9.and lastly

The title itself,another year.Another life,another chapter,at times I feel so alone and maybe sensitive coming to age issues,but more than that it inspires me and flatters me everytime I hear people say that I look younger than my age.Hmmm,bora days,they thought I was 23,a med rep thought I was 24,another one thought I was 25…The too-flattering comment was,I look like I’m 21…Hmmm,I know I act like I’m 8 years old,giggle like I’m 10,but I Thank God for those comments.It made me more inspired to love my body more and to have a happy disposition in life.So when anybody asks me what’s my secret to a being young always,I always say it’s being happy and having a happy disposition in life.Go laugh and even laugh at yourself,don’t be to cranky and serious,you’ll see!wink,wink…

Age is just a number…Thank God I can run like I’m 12 years old…

These are just 8 things,but since I’m kind of sleepy now,I have to stop…and maybe continue saying how grateful I am on my next blog. There are lots of things to be thankful for.And I always have in may mind this nugget of wisdom that I got from a book which said that to be happy and grateful all the time,you must list at least 5 things you are grateful for,everyday…and I just did…and it's roughly more that 5...

♥LOVE LOVE LOVE

♥Xoxo girl