A letter to my nanay

I have been planning to write this letter for so long.But once I am in front of the screen,I can only produce a blank stare.

Of course I know Tatay would understand that there is a different sense of bonding between a mother and a daughter.Far different from the ones that we have for a tatay.But,of course,I love my tatay...more than anything in this world.But let me just talk to you now...because I thought my longing for you has ended,but I miss you,still...

It started earlier,I had a different feeling of sadness.I saw a family,and while walking,I saw a daughter crying,and to my interpretation,it was her mom lying at that bed.Her mom was frail,old,and had an edematous face.There were two daughters walking after that bed.To my knowledge,this bed would be transferred to a different room.And I saw the daughters crying...And then that same memory came again...

I don't know,it was already 8 years.But it has became fresh the moment that I saw this family.What happened?Maybe because I saw that same edematous face that you had before,or that same scenario when you had to be transferred to ICU from a regular room.Or maybe because she was also accompanied by her daughters.I don't know...I really don't know...


Sometimes,I had to ask myself.How have you been doing there?Do you still know us?Or is it the same scene from the movie "The Lovely Bones" that when you die,you don't want to come to earth anymore.Things like that...Things of some sort...

Sometimes,I still feel you.All the more when I am sad...Yes,I still feel sad Nay,I am normal,.,I still cry,,,And I still cling to that one person that I want to see when I feel sad,your face...But no,I cannot have that one warm hug from a nanay anymore.

8 years,it was so fast...That time that I thought I was never that strong,but I had to be.

I am still thinking why you did not allow me to see you die,when a day before your passing,I was the one assigned to take care of you.I remember when I was about to go and I kissed you on your forehead,then I said "I love you" and you said "I loveyou too..."Then i saw tears at the corner of your eyes.Unlike tatay,who says "I love you" all the time...You never said " I love you" to us,but that time,you said it,..And I was so happy.That was a rare moment,and that I will never ever forget...

But I had to go that night,by rotation,I had to go home and fix my things for it would be ate Pinky who will take charge.I know I shouldn't be mentioning this anymore,but sometimes i feel that even if I did everything,I wish I could have done better,I wish I could have done the best...

I regret that I got tired during those times,juggling from watching over you and going to my duty.

I regret not staying everyday for the remaining days of your life.

Sometimes I think where will I ever meet you?Will it be in my dreams...Is there such a thing as a crossroad...

It puzzles me...

Still...

Xoxo